My daughter is many things: smart, frustrating, beautiful, exhausting, snarky, genuine, honest, loving… and hilarious. The things that come out of that girl’s mouth just crack me up. There will be times that she is being both so incredibly naughty and so incredibly funny that her father and I will have to bite our cheeks or leave the room to keep from laughing.
Her greatest pleasure in life is to make people laugh, and we could see this trait in her from a very young age. I tend to post her best comedy sketches and most philosophical thoughts on Facebook. Not only do I want to share the joy that is Lucy, but I also want forever to preserve her innocence and beautiful sense of humor.
I can tell by my Facebook news feed that I’m not the only one with a funny kid, so I recently asked the moms and dads in my life to share the craziest things their kids have said. I got some great responses that range from hilarious to philosophical to downright creepy. Without further ado, I present to you: the future generation.
The Confidence Booster
Sometimes our kids really know what to say to give us that extra little bit of self-confidence. And sometimes they don’t.
One day my daughter told us, “I’m a princess. And a queen. Daddy’s a king.” Not wanting me to be left out, my husband asked her what mommy was. Her response: “A kitty cat.” – age 3
“Mommy’s not funny, she’s cute!” – age 4
I spent 10 minutes on my makeup one morning instead of my normal three minutes. My son then asked me, “Why do you look like that?” – age 5
I had a small, flesh colored mole on the side of my nose. While driving one day, out of nowhere my nephew piped up from the backseat, “I wish you didn’t have that thing on your nose.” – age 5
Kids are so incredibly innocent and sweet. Just be sure to sleep with one eye open and never turn your back on them.
One of my daughter’s first early babbles was, “Mom, die.” – age 1
My daughter was playing in the bath water and told me, “Mommy, I’m making you some tea with a REAL human bone in it! It makes it delicious! It’s getting yummier and yummier!” – age 2
My son was sitting at the kitchen bar during breakfast one morning. He looked up from his food and said, “Mom, look! A kid.” He pointed past me towards a door by the laundry room. I turned and looked, but saw nothing there. I asked him, “A kid? Where honey? Where do you see a kid?” He pointed over to that corner again (there was nothing there, not even a shadow) and said, “A kid, boy, a kid, there.” I asked him various questions to make sure he was saying what I thought he was. He definitely was seeing a kid standing in that corner. He is 6 now and still remembers the little boy standing there. – age 2
I once asked one of my Pre-K kids what they liked to do on the weekends. One little girl said, “I like to build with Legos, color, and play with knives.” I laughed and asked her when she plays with knives. She whispered, “When it’s dark” and laughed. The look on her face combined with the evil laugh made me stop asking questions! – 4 years old
I told my son that someday he is going to be a grown man and have his own kids. I asked him what he will tell his kids about me? His response: “She died.” – age 4
My daughter once told me that one day, when she has magic and people bother her, she will use dark magic to destroy them. – age 4
My daughter once told her father that he needed to get a big gun because, “Chuckie Cheese is really hard to kill.” – age 4
My son came into my bedroom early one morning and got into bed with me. He then whispered, “Everyone dies. It’s just the way the world works. My eyes are really good and I can see the red dots that the world is made of. Sometimes all of the red dots come towards me and I close my eyes. They are only there at night, though. Is it morning time? Did the red dots go away?” – age 5
“Heaven is yellow and full of dead butterflies.” – age 6
“I love to watch spiders out my window. I would never be one though, because people kill them.” – age 8
The Beer Connoisseur
Start ’em young, right? At least they aren’t doing keg stands. Yet.
My daughter and I were walking around the grocery store when we passed a display of Bud Light. She immediately screamed, full volume, “BEER! LOOK MOMMY, BEER! MOMMA, MOMMA, LOOK! IT’S BEER!” – age 2
“Daddy takes a lot of pictures of beers.” [My husband likes craft beer and uses Untappd.] “If I’m ever a daddy, I am going to take lots of pictures of beers.” – age 4
“I reminded dad to brush his teeth. I don’t want him to rot his teeth out. I want him to be able to eat candy. And be healthy. And drink beer.” – 4 years old
It’s really too bad you can’t buy a filter for your kid the same way you can buy a filter for your furnace.
My nephew was with me while I was changing my daughter’s diaper. He asked me, “Do you change Uncle Craig’s diapers too?” – age 3
To Daddy: “What’s the thing hanging from your butt?” – age 3
I called my niece to wish her happy birthday. I asked her how she was doing, and she replied, “Um…um… I don’t really want to talk to you.” – age 3
I announced bedtime, and my daughter cried, “Ohh! But I didn’t get to play with my ponies!” When I told her that she shouldn’t have watched so much TV, she countered with, “Well you shouldn’t have turned the TV on!” – age 4
As soon as we got home from daycare, my daughter went up to her father and said, in one breath, “I throw my socks in the air like I just don’t care! Yeah, I throw my socks in the air like I just don’t care! I had to change my shirt today Daddy. I got poop on the sleeve. My butt hurts.” – age 4
My niece once told me that she didn’t want for me to have kids ever, but if for some reason a baby got into my tummy, she wouldn’t be mad and I should not be worried because it would be considered an accident. – age 5
My husband asked our daughter if she wanted to watch TV when we got home. She replied, “Oh yes. I love you so much, Daddy.” He asked her if she loved him because he was letting her watch TV. Her response? “Yup!” – age 5
My daughter asked her grandma if she would go back to Disney World with us one day. Grandma responded that she didn’t think so, so my daughter replied, “Yeah, I guess we’ll have to wait and see if you’re still alive by then, huh?” – age 5
After picking my daughter up from daycare, I told her, “I was thinking about you today. I missed you.” She replied, “Aww. Thank you Mommy. I didn’t miss you.” – age 5
Kids are funny. It’s why we keep them around.
I put my daughter into her car seat and she screamed, “My butt!” Alarmed, I pulled her up and asked her what’s wrong. She replied, “It has a crack in it!” and laughed maniacally. – age 2
I was playing pretend with my son, and I said, “Ok, you be the daddy.” He replied, “Ok, you be the screaming baby, and I’ll go to work!” – age 2
My daughter, to her dried out marker, “Oh you blasted thing, why won’t you work!” – age 4
“Mommy, is there a faster way to color?” – age 4
My son told me that he wants to be a scientist when he was older. He had recently said he wanted to be a soldier, so I told him that he could be a scientist and a soldier in the Army. He asked me what they do. The first thought that popped into my head was develop chemical weapons, but I couldn’t tell him that! While I was thinking, he asked, “Do they shoot chemicals at people?!” I groaned inside and asked him how he knows about chemical warfare. He replied, “I have a head. I use it to think up stuff.” – age 4
Just as we were pulling into preschool one morning, my son asked me, “Was I supposed to wear underwear today?” – age 4
My son’s description of the meter reader: “Mom! There’s a guy outside. He’s going around to all of the houses and destroying them one by one.” – age 4
After completing a puzzle, my daughter yelled, “Boom!” She then said, “Do you know why I say ‘Boom’? Because I know the word boom.” – age 5
During dinner one night, my daughter randomly burst into song, “Maple-maple-maple. Maple-maple-maple. Maple-maple-maple. Do the maple shake.” We were not eating pancakes. – age 5
On the way to Saturday morning dance class, my daughter declared, “Ahhh, the sun is so bright! Maybe it’s getting ready for tomorrow.” – age 5
I work in a daycare facility. I needed to take the school age kids to school on the bus one morning, but I hadn’t done the run in a while and needed a refresher on the route. I told the kids I might need their help. One of the kindergarteners replied, “Don’t worry! I know these streets like the back of my face!” – age 5
On the way to school on school picture day, my daughter said, “Oh no, this is not the right weather. I’m going to step on worms with my beautiful shoes.” – age 6
The Bathroom Humorist
Kids are gross. I buy Clorox wipes by the truck load.
“Boogers don’t just taste good, they have texture.” – age 3
Dreaded words: “Mom, come quick! There’s a serious problem in the bathroom.” – age 4
It’s important to keep a list of all the adorable, heart-warming things kids say. You know, so you can bust it out when they are being jerks.
My son would thank me at every diaper change as soon as he was talking, around 1.5 years old.
My daughter used to call butterflies, “Beederbies.” I wish she still did.
A conversation with my daughter: “He is my little man.” “He is MY brother.” “He is my baby.” “He is my baby, too. He’s the family’s baby.” “He is my son.” “And he is my moon.” – age 2
“Is that a whole line of myrtle-cycles?” – age 4
Out of nowhere today, my daughter took my pinky, wrapped it in hers, and promised she will always stay with me. – age 5
I’m pretty sure that when my daughter was in utero, she stole all of my brain cells. Now she is a genius, and I can’t remember why I walked into this room.
“I wish God would get out of the clouds, I would love to see his real face.” – age 3
A few minutes after receiving a lecture on the importance of always telling the truth, my daughter went to her father and said, “I can’t tell the truth anymore.” Her dad asked her why that was. “There isn’t any truth left.” – age 3
“I had a bad day because I don’t like being so happy.” – age 3
“Sugar is really sugary.” – age 4
“This meat is bloody. It is God’s blood. I learned it in school.” – age 4
My son came home from school and told me they nailed each other that day. Before I could go into shock, he elaborated, “Because Jesus died on the cross so we nailed each other and then came back alive.” – age 4
My daughter came to me and in a serious tone said, “Mommy, we need to talk.” She sat down and gave me a serious look. I asked her what she wanted to talk about. Without a pause, she said, “About why you don’t love me enough. You didn’t come see my dollhouse.” She then proceeded to turn the lamp on and off for a few minutes and then exited the room to continue playing. I never did find out what dollhouse I was supposed to see. – age 4
My daughter has the ability to remember obscure, random information from a long time ago and use it against us. I asked her if she can remember these things because her brain isn’t full of useless information yet. She stared at me like I was stupid and said, “No. I just remember them in my brain and then I say them.” – age 5
You seriously can’t make these things up! Now, go give your sweet, honest, intelligent, creepy, adorable, and gross little rugrats a big squeeze and then tell us: What are some of the craziest things your kids have said??