When my youngest child was born, many people didn’t know I was pregnant until after he arrived. We did our best to keep news of the pregnancy under wraps, even concealing the news from our children until 28 weeks.
I posted no ultrasound photos on Facebook. We didn’t announce anything via an elated tweet. There were no bump pictures on Instagram or maternity photo shoots.
For me, it was never a matter of “when” the baby would be born. It was a matter of “if.”
“Secondary Recurrent Miscarriage”
My first two pregnancies were unplanned and went smoothly. Our troubles began when we decided to try for a third.
We went on to lose 3 pregnancies at 18, 14 and 11 weeks. Two baby girls, the other too early to tell.
Tests were run. Specialists were seen. No answers were found.
After the third loss, we decided to find another way to grow our family. We adopted two amazing kids and assumed our family was complete.
Five years later I was in for the shock of my life. I was pregnant again, and terrified. My doctor suggested a treatment of baby aspirin and progesterone. There was no guarantee it would work.
I braced myself for what I thought was the inevitable. It didn’t help that I experienced episodes of spotting and was put on bed rest.
I was induced at 39 weeks. He arrived safely, and we finally posted a photo on Facebook.
We decided to name him Jude. People tell us they love his name. They ask us if we are Beatles fans, and we are. But the truth is, he is named for Saint Jude; the patron saint of lost causes, hopeless situations, and miraculous healing.
The Lessons of Grief
Even though our story has a happy ending, the emotional scar tissue will remain forever. When you lose a child, you’re never the same again.
You become an expert in grief.
Grief isn’t something that ever goes away. It’s something you learn to live with, something you learn to navigate. And even though things do get easier with time, you learn that grief is sneaky. You learn what your triggers are and how to avoid them if possible. You learn how to manage your emotions.
You learn that sometimes you can’t manage your emotions. Sometimes you need to grieve and wait for the storm to pass.
You learn that anger and sadness are two sides of the same coin.
You develop a heightened sensitivity to the feelings of others. Even as write this, I realize how lucky I am. I understand others could look at my family and feel the same jealousy I felt towards women with easy pregnancies.
But most importantly, you learn that grief can pave the way for gratitude.
You learn to celebrate every boring, uneventful day.
You discover the simplest moments can be filled with beauty and joy.
In fact, some days your heart feels so full of love you just might share it on Facebook.
Thank you so much for sharing your story! It brought a tear to my eye. My mom had a similar story and I could feel the pain in the early part of your writing and then the joy that came after. It really is true that grief never goes away – you learn to live and deal with it. Thank you so much.
Oh Megan,
I feel like you just wrote my story. I have two girls 4 and 2 and last year lost two babies at 18 and 16.5 weeks (girl, then boy). Lots and lots of test, no answers and only fear for trying again, which we’re now facing decisions about. I’ll have to do baby aspirin, progesterone and shots of heparin the entire time and I’m terrified to try again BUT your story gives me an incredible amount of hope, I can’t even tell you how much. I’ve been wondering if I need to cry “uncle” but I so want to keep expanding our family and it’s helpful to know there just might be a little baby at the end of this dark tunnel. Thank you for sharing your heart – I always feel that sharing is personally healing, but also so helpful to others to know they aren’t alone. I could identify with almost every word and am SO incredibly happy for you to have your little Jude.
xoxo,
Beth
touching. hope-filled.honest.so relevant to so many mamas. amazing article Meghann, and thank you for sharing your heart and grief with us. we are praying for you and thankful for that little jude (ironically, jude has always been our boy name….). thank you for giving me hope as well as yours is also similar to my story. I will tell you Beth, that we sat “on the fence” for 5 years about what do we ‘do’: do we adopt/do we try and every day my thoughts were consumed and it changed me as a person completely. i questioned if we avoid the physical pain and adopt or trust god with my life and risking more loss. i had my daughter at 28 weeks, had a blood clot from my groin to my knee, a half dead placenta and even though the Lord brought us out of that, the next few years of loss and grief did a number on me. we are expecting again (currently 16 weeks) and i feel like meghann took the words right out of my mouth…not being excited like every other new mom and anticipating nursery colors and buying baby things, but wondering if i will be pregnant in a week. said life’ can take a toll on a mama. i will share with you that doing baby aspirin, being high risk, taking lovenox shots twice a day and seeing multiple specialists should be comforting although i still battle daily- i encourage you to keep that hope out there and trust in the God who loves you and knows your every need. even though he gives and takes away – he promises to walk beside you through it all. praying for all you courageous mamas!
Beautifully written! My first pregnancy was easy & perfect. When we decided to try a few years later for a 2nd child, I suffered two miscarriages (8 & 5 weeks). Nothing can prepare you for it. It’s not *just* a heavy period. These children are real. The hormones are real. The grief after is real. I lost the latest in June 2013. I still think of both my angels daily. The pain has softened, but I’ll never forget and both losses have certainly changed me.
Thank you all for sharing your stories. When I was going through everything, I remember feeling so alone. I’m grateful that we have outlets like the ICMB that help moms realize we are not alone in anything-bad times, and good times, and everything in between. I wish all of you the best! 🙂