Our country is in turmoil.

News stories pile up on top of each other, tragedies upon tragedies, more pain and violence than anyone can fully understand or bear. People are hurting, desperate, misunderstood, afraid, and marginalized. There is a virtual war, in which real, human people are assembling into rigid, polarized groups and launching angry, accusatory words at each other. There is an actual war, the physical manifestation of the hurt and desperation boiling under the surface for far too long: the violence and the shootings, the riots and terror. The worst part is, each one perpetuates the other, and we will not succeed in solving one without an end to the other.

It seems like a problem too deep to understand, a task too challenging to tackle, an obstacle too difficult to overcome. Maybe it is. But we can’t keep claiming that someone else is the problem. We can’t keep casting the blame elsewhere, naming “the other” as the racist, the bigot, the problem that needs fixing.

As moms, it’s our job to guide our children when they make mistakes, stray from the path, or commit errors in their interactions with others. We teach our children to follow this script when a problem has occurred: Confess, apologize, do better. We teach them to own up to what they have done and claim responsibility for the mistakes they have made. We encourage them to apologize, asking for forgiveness and admitting responsibility to the people they have offended or hurt. And we reinforce the notion that to be truly sorry means to work towards change. We teach this, but do we do it?

“I find myself name calling in front of my children when I get upset while driving. This shows a lack of respect for others and a wrongful solution when dealing with problems. I’m sorry that I let my anger control my judgments at time, and I apologize that I choose hurtful words to express my feelings. I want to lead by a better example for my children and show them that emotional and physical abuse is NEVER the answer.” –Mary

“I’m sorry that I haven’t done as good a job as my own parents did in getting my kids involved as young activists. I grew up going to all kinds of demonstrations and protests as a kid, including demonstrations focused on racial issues and love/unity while living in a community with a very strong KKK presence. Because I haven’t gotten my family involved in activism, I worry that my kids will not understand how important it is to stand up for what they believe in and to stand up for those who are marginalized or not able to make their voices heard. Going forward, I’m going to look for opportunities to get my family involved in a more concrete way so my kids can see that they can make a difference and work toward the kind of loving and accepting society that all people deserve to live in.” –Laura

“We often “gloss over” discussions about the racial tensions currently plaguing our country when our 5-year-old asks about events covered on TV. I’m sorry that we tend to take the easy route and say things like, “Those people are mad,” or “That’s because some people don’t like police officers.” Moving forward, I will be more intentional about embracing the teachable moments and make sure my son has an age-appropriate understanding of things he asks questions about.” –Sara

“I’ve been married for nearly 9 years, and this summer is the first time we’ve really sat down and had an honest conversation about race, privilege, and how we can raise our sons to recognize how they have benefited from bias and societal structures. I apologize for being de facto part of the problem by ignoring the problem, and I plan to keep the conversation going at home and in other areas of our lives.” –Sarah

“My family is isolated and segregated from diversity in many ways. Sometimes I focus so much on my children’s individual growth that I fail to raise them to be outwardly-focused leaders, agents of change, and love-givers towards other people. I am deeply sorry. I will speak out. I will seek diversity, in books, in experiences, and in our community. I will care more about kindness, love, and equity than intelligence and personal success.” –Lianna

Change

In a world full of racial tensions, violence, and segregation, we must raise our children to be color-sensitive, color-informed, and color-connected, NOT color-blind. We can be scared, but we can’t be silent. We can do the wrong thing, but we can’t do nothing. If we make mistakes, let it be because we were pursuing truth and love, not because we were too afraid to begin.

We know we are privileged. We know we are ignorant. We know our voices are insignificant, and our ideas are not going to solve and heal like we wish they could. Even if the words we say are feeble or unintentionally offensive, we would rather speak up than remain silent. We would rather try and fail than not try at all.  Let us all stand strong as mothers, committing ourselves wholeheartedly to being the change we desire for the world.

Iowa City Organizations

• SURJ (Standing Up for Racial Justice)
• Coalition for Racial Justice
• Iowa City Black Voices Project
• PEACE Iowa (Peace Education and Action Center of Eastern Iowa)
• Racial Equity Tools (Nationwide library of resources)

Add your voice below, if you would like to participate in our “Confess, Apologize, Change” movement.